Took my heart for granted, ran it straight into the planet.

So, i'm done with facebook. like deactivated account and everything. It's causing nothing but trouble now-a-days. I also know I'm not gonna wanna have it when the Ex starts putting up pictures of him and new girls. Ick. Thought makes me sick already. Break ups ALWAYS suck. This one in particular. It feels like my heart was ripped out and stomped on. Over, and Over and Over. Man, I've had heartbreaks before but this one is more like a bullet to the heart. I was so stupid, and didn't see what was coming.

I hate serious relationships anyway. I can't believe I let myself get into another one. Terrible Mistake. It's an inevitable heartbreak, that I don't want any part of.  Especially with Tyler, He was a huge risk from the beginning. Should have known better. How can your mind tell you everything's perfect, and find out it's not. The fact that I couldn't even fix it is what kills me. I wanted to be everything. I wanted to be perfect, everything he could have asked for. He was still unhappy.

Then I ended up lashing out, cutting him down. Telling him terrible things that weren't true. But I wanted him to feel how I felt all the time, he'd lash out on me and I wouldn't say anything, I would just apologize, or try and explain myself. When do you realize you deserve better. I need that one person who will treat me like they couldn't lose me. He used to do that. He used to tell me not to leave, not to hurt him. I promised him I wouldnt, and I kept my promise. He left, he hurt me. I know sometimes people in relationships get through times when it just isn't working. I try and work through those. Cause I know it always gets better. But some people can't do that. They give up.

There are so many thoughts in my head, so many tears in my eyes. Everything just hurts. I miss laying in bed with him, he just held me and whispered to me about everything. He was the only guaranteed way to get to sleep. To know that this is finally, is what is killing me.

I know I'll probably run into him next year. we will be living two blocks away from each other in Mankato. Maybe things will get fixed, maybe we will both have grown up.  I don't know. Now i just want to fall into a deep sleep.

Today

 I went snowboarding for the first time. I fell in love. Sadly, my ass did not. My right butt cheek is gonna be pretty sore tomorrow. Ha well it was worth it. When you actually get going, it feels awesome...until you realize you haven't learned how to stop. :)  I almost mastered getting off the lifts, I also almost killed Rachel getting on haha. I kinda knocked her off. oops :/.

Today I also got bitched at my mother. She's a big black lady, so that means she's bound to be crazy. All because I told her I wasn't going to prom. Because my lovely Tyler, doesn't wanna attend a high school function. Eh whatever. the only problem is, I already got my dress. A 400 dollar dress. If any of ya are interested by the way, hit me up. I'd love to sell it. It really is a sweet dress oh well. somehow paying 40 bucks to dance on a river boat for hours, doesn't seem worth it. Especially if i'm alone. Ick.

One thing I learned today is that you can't rush into things. When the time's right, the time's right. The problems that have occurred lately couldn't be changed I guess. Just gotta find out how to fix them. Jealousy is something that almost everyone has to work on. Today I thought and thought and realized, you gotta let people live their own lives. Holding them back from life is selfish. So I'm done with the fighting, and the jealousy and just gonna work on being happy.

fall asleep, please.

I'm pretty positive that i'm an insomniac. Everyday i dread when night comes because I know I'll never get to sleep. I've tried sleeping pills of all types, nyquil, relaxation techniques, but nothing works. I envy the people( like my brother) who can fall asleep no matter where they are. My eyes ache from not getting sleep, but my mind won't shut off. Shouldn't it be easy to sleep. It's a natural part of life, meaning it should be easy. Tonight i don't believe i will fall asleep at all. Which means i'll be able to lay in bed and think for hours. Not something I like to do. at all. I would die for my special sleep aid right now, but unfortuantly, I ran out.  I used to be read to every night over the phone. "a fly went by" would put me to sleep after the 3rd page. Now i just need a big bottle of MD, so i can have a good nights sleep. I guess i'll just have to wait.

You, with your words like knives.

 Well, I started a blog because Facebook is no longer capturing my attention.  I've contemplated deleting it, but it just seems so permanent. A blog seems like a fun thing to do. I guess, also a little emoish. But honestly, I don't care too much. My blog is called Day Dreamer, because all  I do is dream about my future. I spend almost every day planning my life. Sad thing is, it only takes a minute for those plans to get fucked up. Time to start a new plan I suppose. Maybe i'm slightly OCD with this, but i'm not too concerned. Having an unplanned future makes me anxious. I know it's stupid because the odd's of life going the way I planned, is slim, to none. It just makes me feel at ease. Right now, I've got about 3 situations running through my head. I'm trying to plan out the best way to escape this town.  Seems like I'll never get out. But I know, only 3 months from now, I'm gonna be graduated and packing up my shit. somehow, Mankato doesn't seem far enough away. Colorado State is sounding better and better everyday. But there's something keeping me here. You know how they say, your whole life you'll wonder "what if?. well what if you left? what if you would have stayed? Life is a choice, how do you know which one to make? Why is it so impossible to see the future?  Why am I asking so many questions? haha

On a lighter note. I'm going snowboarding tomorrow for the first time. Better go at least once before the winters over. Also, i'd love to let you know. I got to level 9 on Nazi zombies. I'm stoked.